Britney's Sermon

Back when I was in college (hah) and being a somewhat productive, or a hoping-to-be productive, member of society, I had an assignment to write a piece where every sentence had 4 more or 4 less words than the previous sentence. I wrote the following, based on the idea that, because Britney was texting during church, the pastor made her give her own sermon the next Sunday:

So, like, God is pretty great. I’m sure you all agree seeing as you’re all, like, here. Still, some just don’t get it. But, whatevs. That’s not really my point here. What I want to say is Jesus really, really cares. And, like, a lot ya’ll cause he all died for our sins and stuff. And "he who is without sin cast the first stone." I don’t see any flying rocks! But what was up with that whole peace bringer thing? I mean, wouldn’t it have been way more easy to just make some plague? It’s not like he couldn’t do other magic what with curing that icky falling apart disease and stuff. And who wouldn’t want to party with a guy who’s a walking keg, right? But no; some dudes were all like, "That Jesus sucks." I know, they were not nice. So mean. But J-Dawg was cool with it. He was all, "Turn the other cheek and just chill."

It’s kinda like with my friend Christy and this group of girls at school. Last winter, Christy’s dad promised to get Neo to come to her birthday and she told us all. People were stoked, but these jealous girls got all bitchy and started talking smack. I have no idea why cause they all got invites. Those girls were even like, "I bet your deadbeat dad doesn’t even know him!" And that’s total crap because Mr. Blake has a cousin who hooked up with Neo’s PR guy’s sister. So, I was like, "Hey, Christy, let’s fill up those skanks’ lockers with condoms!" But Christy was all, "No, Britney, that would be wrong." She still let them come and never said a mean word about those hos. I swear, Christy is like a total saint sometimes, ya’ll. But, in the end, Neo showed and it shut those bitches up good. So, I guess if you just act cool, stuff will work itself out and that’s what Jesus meant.