How To Protect Yourself With Everyday Objects

The Boyfriend has one of those cups with water trapped in its sides that you freeze and then use in lieu of ice cubes.  It has fishies on it.  I broke it yesterday.

Upon pulling it out of the freezer, it slipped from my hands and crashed to the ground, shattering at the bottom rim and spraying a few chunks of plastic blindly across our itty bitty kitchen not to be found until forgotten about and in bare feet.  The Boyfriend was sorely disappointed, immediately shouting, “Oh, no!  I love my fishy cup!”  After I scowled at him he was quick to then admit that he didn’t know that the point of the water in the cup was to keep it in the freezer until we met and I showed him.  Still, he was sad.  I told him we have two more, but then again, those don’t have fishies on them.  I felt bad.

However, I found out today that all is not lost--the fishy freezy cup lives!  The bottom is only chipped.  After spending the night in the sink and defrosting, the water hadn’t leaked out.  I told The Boyfriend this.  I think he is satisfied with it.

However, I now realize I should not have told him the fishy freezy cup is fine.  I should have told him the fishy freezy cup is not only fine but actually improved because now it is not only a handy drinking device, but it is also a formidable weapon.  And this is fucking perfect.

Why, you ask?  Why would anyone need a weapon on the bottom of a fishy freezy cup?  Just by the simple fact that you are asking that question should be your answer: hoodwinkery.  When drinking from any freezy cup you are probably the most vulnerable to attack that you’ll ever be.  The fact that the pre-frozen cup will keep beverages ice cold for a lengthy amount of time without being watered down by ice cubes lulls the drinker into a false sense of security.  The amiable fishies adorning its outside certainly do not help.  The cup is, essentially, deceiving you about the entire world.  Oh, I don’t need ice cubes to keep things cold anymore--what a glorious and safe existence mine is!  And then that’s when it happens:

An alligator slithers in through your doggy door and death rolls you.  It death rolls you dead.  And there’s nothing you can do to stop it because you’re so disillusioned by the greatness of full-flavored soda.

But if that freezy cup has a jagged edge to its bottom rim, well, your chances of survival just multiplied by 78--I’ve done the math.  You smash that sharpened plastic into the gator’s eyes, stun it, and safely climb the nearest tree, remembering to run in a zigzag pattern in case it regains consciousness before you find a good foothold.  This works for nearly any attacker except for tree climbers which, as we all know, are impervious to plastic, but they’re mostly docile to begin with.

So, really, The Boyfriend should be thrilled I broke his fishy freezy cup--I just saved his life.