Greatest Hits

I've been feeling a bit down lately what with job searching and all, so I decided to cheer myself up by showing you some of my ivory tower ridiculousness. Here's a compilation of some of the stellar (and not-so-stellar) sentences I wrote in papers that got me my lovely degree in English, all written before the world shat all over my dream of becoming...God, what the fuck did I ever plan on being? Jeez. Anyway, what I'd like you to remember is that I received 'A's on about all of these papers, so suck it!

September 2006, Shakespeare: "Corruption.  Fraud.  Sin.  All terms one would use to describe a comedy, yes?"

October 2006, Comp II: "Americans experience what I call Halloween syndrome; the American tendency to trivialize death for celebratory purposes."

November 2006, Shakespeare: "Othello was a wickedly awesome play, but it would have been so much better if the main character just was not in it."

December 2006, Anthropology: "But it’s more fun to think that aliens landed on earth centuries ago and bred some backward creatures in an experiment, leaving us to our own devices until we become able bodied enough to take back home and become their slaves."

January 2007, Comp III: "'Well, it turns out he’s the Antichrist and he gets adopted by the President of the United States.'  That’s it, the ending to the film, and you’ve just paid your ten dollars for a ticket and splurged on popcorn and one of those monstrous sodas that make you pee twice during the feature and miss imperative plot points that would leave you wondering just what the heck is going on at the end if you hadn’t already heard it from some idiot in the theatre’s lobby."

May 2007, Anthropology: "I mean, it’s not impossible that women gave birth, handed the baby off to the man, made placental war-paint, and toted spears out into the tundra in search of saber tooth steaks, but it’s impossible for us to envision because we refuse to do so."

October 2007, Tutoring Course: "I was discouraged to find from this piece that I need to shut the heck up and that I am trying to get him to say what I want him to say."

October 2007, Victorian-Era Poetry: "It is innate to the female to be miserable for she cannot hope for any better."

January 2008, American Poetry: "Is there a rationale to the Dickinsonian dash? Save for aesthetic value, which is really no small thing in poetry, it seems Emily Dickinson is completely indiscriminate in its use."

March 2008, British Poetry: "The armadillo, however, is an essentially different creature: openly defiant and perhaps even mad."

May 2008, Political Science: "It is a sad and scary time for America and when I look around at my peers I can practically feel the next Great Awakening coming on. And I know it’s ironic, but all I can do is pray that that will not happen."

And my favorite (out of chronological order):

January 2008, Linguistics: "And though I know I make grammatical errors frequently, I believe that if we forsake those generally accepted conventions prancing around as “rules,” we will eventually no longer be able to understand one another and the human race will consequently become extinct from mushroom poisoning."