Dear Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe,

Hey!  How are you?  That’s good!  I’m great.

That, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, is how all of our conversations should go.  If you or I are feeling a bit creative then deviation from the script is acceptable, but too much adlibbing is distracting, hinders moving on to the next scene, and just downright pisses me off which is, by the way, one of the many things Patrick Swayze and I have in common.  Yet, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, you still insist on being my John Leguizamo in To Wong Foo.  How can we rectify this?

You see, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, I don’t dislike you.  In fact, I enjoy your presence as my neighbor—you are quiet, soft spoken, and oldish, so you’re neither an annoyance nor a threat.  Please know that this is not a letter of chastisement.  What I am trying to say is I like you, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, and I’d like to keep it that way, so the only way that is going to be possible is if you modify your behavior.

Since you have told me on numerous occasions that you are an alcoholic, I will break down this behavior modification that I am suggesting into three, easy-to-follow rules.

Rule number one: Do not embark upon long conversations with me when I am clearly carrying heavy objects or if I have to prop my door open to have them.  I appreciate, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, that you want to introduce The Boyfriend and me to other people in the building.  This is one of the reasons that I like you.  However, when both The Boyfriend and I are laden with bags of groceries, a box fan, and a vacuum cleaner it should be clear to you that stopping us in the parking lot in the middle of the hottest August day to introduce us to another tenant is not acceptable.  Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, Other Neighbor Who Happens To Also Have A Cat was clearly on his own mission from which he did not want to be deterred either!  I suppose I cannot be too upset, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, because you were as unaware of Other Neighbor Who Happens To Also Have A Cat’s desire to be on his own way, so you did not intend to personally irritate us, but, to be clear, the fact that Other Neighbor Who Happens To Also Have A Cat cohabitates with a feline like The Boyfriend and I do does not make it okay to watch as we sweat and juggle awkward boxes.

I have to apologize here, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, because rule number one has two parts, which I know is not fair, especially at this early juncture in rule explanation, but I must insist that you not embark upon long conversations with me when I have to prop my door open to have them either.  Last night is a good example of why.  To be frank, my cats are kind of assholes.  Because of this serious affliction, they tend to want to run out into the hallway which you, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, are across.  This would not be such a big deal if it were not for our other neighbors who sometimes prop the shared doors to the outside open because they are not as concerned as you or I with being murdered, which is, I must say, another reason why I find you favorable as a neighbor.

Now, I understand; I was vacuuming at eight o’clock at night on a Saturday which can really be an annoyance.  It’s much like your pipe which constantly lingers in the air, now that I think of it.  So I can see why you knocked on my door to ask what that sound was, noting that, as an alcoholic, sometimes there are sounds which only occur in your head.  You needed clarification, and I was glad to give it.  I, embarrassed, told you I would gladly stop for the night as it was late, and that should have been where our conversation ended, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe; however, it did not.

This is when I noticed you were drunk.  You were kind enough, though, to also tell me in case I could not tell.  It was, I admit, an impressive kind of drunk in which you were largely functional, but drunk nonetheless.  In this state, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, you tend to be repetitive and again unaware that I desire to be inside and not having a conversation.  I understand now that you do not pick up on the subtlety of “have a nice night” as a way to end a conversation, and for that I thank you as I will be sure to be more forceful if ever I find myself in a similar situation with you again, but the fact that both of my cats, at separate times, ran out and how annoyed I was at this should have also clued you in.

You should have also realized our conversation was going downhill when I had to remind you of my name more than once which brings me to rule number two: do not forget my name.  I know your name, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe.  I may not be utilizing it here, but I know your full name.  It is objectively insulting to forget someone’s name you have spoken with on more than one occasion.  You cannot know that this is a problem I have dealt with my entire life, that my forgetability is incredibly high, but I am largely becoming intolerant of this fact.  My name is not “Amy.”  I admire your valiant efforts, plentiful as they are, at making my name Amy, even more than once in the same conversation, but no matter how many times you point at me, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, cock your head like a slightly retarded dog, and say, “Amy, right?” I am never going to give you a double thumbs up and answer, “Right!”  I don’t even do double thumbs ups, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, so please, do not expect one.  It would be better for both of us if you simply pretend you know my name and just not use any personal designation when addressing me.  This is a problem which pains me slightly more than those in rule number one because I know you know The Boyfriend’s name seeing as you used it in our conversation last night which brings me to the third and final rule: above all, do not be creepy.

This is imperative, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe.  Creepiness will not be tolerated.  Do not ask me if The Boyfriend is home when I answer the door at night.  Your intentions are largely unknown to me, though I have cited that I enjoy you as a neighbor because I find you unthreatening, but please be aware that there are various ninja weapons hidden around the apartment a la Dwight Shrute.  I think this rule needs no further explanation.

So, in summation, no long conversations, no guessing my name, no creepiness.  These are the rules you must follow in order to continue being considered an acceptable neighbor to me.  I think those are simple enough, Neighbor Across The Hall With The Pipe, but if you need clarification please do hesitate to contact me.  If you find you have problems modifying your behavior in accordance with what I have set up here, limit all contact with me to a wave and a nod when we are forced to see one another and you will have successfully followed them without worry.

Thank you so much for your time,

Not Amy