What Scares the Shit Out of Me

First if all, this topic is being done, as I type, by my bloggette partners as well.  You can read them here and here.

Aaaaaaaaaand GO:

Alligators.

Holy goddamn fuck!

These prehistoric bitches are re-goddamn-diculous. The fact that they exist at all is nightmarish. They are 800 pounds of evil. It doesn't matter that I live in Ohio and the only ones here at locked away at the zoo--I'm still convinced that they could organize, climb on one another's heads to escape their glass tanks, saunter into a web cafe, google "What Scares the Shit Out of Me: Alligators," find me, and death roll me. Please note here, though, that I used to live in Florida and you can randomly come across these reptilian creeps in the middle of the road there, so my fear was at least partially legitimate at one time.

I have this reoccurring dream. There are different versions of it, but I often start out in a Jeep with no kind of top and I'm always the front seat passenger with two other passengers and a driver. The four of us go speeding off into the swamp, always end up ramping something, and then flip headlong into a canal. The Jeep's overturned and I'm buckled in, so I can't go anywhere, submerged, though it doesn't really matter that I'm underwater because somehow I can still breathe.  Everything is that greenish color with bits of algae and dirt floating in the water and then, in the distance, there's this shadow.  I start to struggle with the seatbelt, but it doesn't matter.  The gator's used its prehistoric telepathy to keep me locked in. I don't look away--I can't.  The shadow takes on a familiar form--rounded snout, piercing eyes, open jaw full of teeth--and it's speeding at me.

And that's it.

Sometimes I have dreams that I'm near a swamp on really thin docks that are incredibly close to the water and there are alligators swimming around me, snapping at my ankles. It's all pretty horrible and now, because I'm writing this, I'm going to have another. I'll keep you updated.

But being afraid of crocodilians is totally justified and the reasons are manifest:

• Alligators are over 200 millions years old.  They're practically right out of the primordial ooze.  They pretty much are the embodiment of demons, created before man and everything. And they are not good.
• These assholes used to be bipedal.  That's right--walking around on two legs with their massive flapping jaws.
• They're only native to the US and China.  Know what else is only native to the US and China?  Me neither, but it's probably something evil.
• They don't kill you, no. They drag you underwater and stuff you under a rock until you tenderize. That is intent, my friends, and that is terrifying.
• There are also crocodiles which are kinda dragon-like but God knows they're not full of magic and rides through the air:

• And caimans:

I once dated a guy whose family thought it would be fun to take me to an alligator farm. Needless to say, he is not The Boyfriend.

So, in summation, alligators make me want to poop myself.  The end.