I Hate People On Bikes* **

*Don’t take this seriously, Browns.  I love you guys.

**Do take this seriously, Everyone Else.

Bicycling is great in theory: it’s better for the environment, healthy, cheaper than driving, makes parking easier and umm…that’s about it.  Barring the whole hippie planet saving thing, which mostly manifests itself in a superiority complex to people who live too far from their jobs to consider using manpower to get there, bicycling suddenly seems incredibly selfish, which is probably why most bicyclists are such assholes and I hate them.

Actually, I’m pretty sure why I “hate” bicyclists is because I have this overwhelming fear that someday I’m going to hit one and have their death on my hands for the rest of my life, and it will actually be all their fault, but I’ll never be able to fully accept that and will just blame myself forever, not to mention the fact that the court will also blame me and I’ll go to jail for manslaughter even though it’s the stupid biker’s fault they’re dead because they don’t apparently believe in stoplights.

Whether they are new or not, I just noticed what I’m going to refer to as the “new” and unnecessarily over-reflective “SHARE THE ROAD” signs in the gentrified parts of the city.  Below each one is a separate sign (not the same sign, mind you, but a whole new sign in a different shape and everything) that has a bicycle on it.  They’re both bright orange, road cone orange, New Lexington women’s graduation cap and gown orange, and they force you to look at them because, at first glance, they look like road construction signs.  They’re kind of evil in that way.  But, I guess they can’t be yellow like the pedestrian signs because bicycles aren’t to be treated as pedestrians.  Also they’re not supposed to act like pedestrians. However, I’ve learned that they’re also not supposed to act like vehicles, despite Title 45, the traffic laws in Ohio’s Revised Code.

They follow their own rules that aren’t marked down anywhere, but telepathically communicated between bicyclists.  I’ve deciphered some of them though and thought I’d set them down here for you.  Be warned, though, I can’t promise these will hold fast for any amount of time.  I’m sure as soon as one of them gets wind of them being communicated amongst even the most cautious and caring of drivers, they’ll change everything up right away.

They are as follows:

A red light does not mean stop.  A red light means slow down slightly as you pass all the cars in front of you on their right, sneak up to the front of the red light, and then speed through between cars who clearly have the right of way and can see only the stopped cars because you’re hiding behind them so they’re driving at a normal speed through the green light they’ve mistaken for telling them they have the right of way.  You’ll surprise cross traffic, but that’s okay—they need to learn to share the road!

The turning lane in the center of the road is not actually for turning—that’s just a joke some silly car driver made up!  The turning lane in the center of the road is actually for you to personally ride in in order to pass everyone else while they’re stopped for impractical reasons like waiting for others to turn right or stop signs or even red lights.  You should especially put to use the “turning” (hehe) lane when a car is in said lane, patiently waiting for traffic to pass.  Remember though, they cannot swerve out of your way seeing as they’re much wider than you, so it will be helpful if you get pissed off when a car is stopped there with its blinker on and you can’t continue down the center in either direction.  It will be even more helpful to creep up behind them on their left when they’re about to turn in the only break in traffic, putting yourself between them and the suddenly open road.  They won’t be expecting anything coming from their left, but, by golly, they need to learn to share the road!

The left lane is as good as the right lane when there are four of them.  By the way, you should get into the left lane as soon as possible, miles before your left turn comes up.  Also, be sure not to make the proper signals or really any kind of signal to alert the people behind you that you’re about to slice in front of them at half their speed.  And, while we’re on the subject of the right lane, be sure to stay as far from the curb as possible so that cars can’t pass you when it’s safe to do it.  It’s pretty awesome of you to drive down the middle of any road, really.  The road—they’ve gotta learn to share it!

Drive on the left side or the right side of the road.  When you are on the right, the cars behind you can slow down or even stop without having to veer off anywhere.  This is expected and makes for lax drivers, and we wouldn’t want that!  When you ride on the left, toward traffic, cars can slow down, they can stop, but it will do little good when you’re a yard away from the sidewalk with no intention of shifting your direction.  DO NOT SHIFT DIRECTION.  You should know that cars instinctually don’t want to hit you because they know how fragile you are seeing as you’re not wearing a helmet, so they will veer off into oncoming traffic that doesn’t know you’re there so hasn’t considered the possibility that the car opposite them may suddenly be coming at them in a moment nor does the oncoming traffic really have room to do its own veering due to lack of road, parked cars or, yes, another of your biking brethren.  This is a glorious moment to really teach drivers how to share the road.

Above all, remember: YOU ARE SUPERIOR TO CARS AND PEDESTRIANS.  Since you are neither, you can follow whichever rules you like or none at all!